A Penny Saved Is a Penny Urned

Thursday, November 12th, 2009, 11:05 am

Yesterday my Mom and I went to a Veterans Day breakfast held by the Friends of Danang, the humanitarian group I went to Vietnam with. The breakfast was held at the Marriott downtown and so we parked at the arena and walked to the hotel while enjoying a crisp November morn. Brilliant blue skies, a bracing chill in the air, the promise of bacon in my very near future. Nice.

“Oh, your father and I bought something yesterday!” Mom said. And she paused and in that pause I tried to deduce what it might be. Hmm…a new roasting pan for the Thanksgiving turkey? No, too banal. A new washing machine? Ehh, didn’t recall they were in the market for one. Of course, silly me–something for Justin, their grandson.

So I asked what it was and Mom said, “We bought our final resting place!”

I double-took and nearly tripped. “You bought a WHAT?”

“We bought our burial site! It’s nice, we’re going to be in a mausoleum, we’ll be next to each other in the crypt and…”

OK, whoa now. It’s not every day you hear Mom using words like “mausoleum” and “crypt”. What’s more she seemed positively GEEKED about it. “We wanted to take care of it now and we saved over two thousand dollars purchasing it in advance”.

I processed this quickly. “Well…actually you saved ME two thousand dollars,” and Mom agreed, seeing as you can’t take it with you and I’ll be the beneficiary of their forward thinking (I already have an elaborately-plotted scheme to cut my brother Ryan outta the picture). So while I was momentarily freaked by Mom talking about her last stop I quickly jumped on board. God knows I don’t wanna be the one making those decisions and with these Death Panels you keep hearing about on the horizon my folks did me a solid sorting things out on their own.

After we got home my Dad (who had an appointment at his cardiologist that morning and got a good report) said that it costs more to be on the bottom shelves of the crypt but, heck, he’d rather be on the top, thank you very much. The mausoleum sits atop a hill, there’s a nice view and everything. So it sounds like they got a good deal and seem quite pleased with the buy. Of course I hope they don’t get to enjoy their purchase for a long, long, long time, especially as I need to frame Ryan for a crime he didn’t commit to put my plan to disinherit him into motion. Really gotta get around to executing that bogus wire-fraud scheme.

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2 Responses to “A Penny Saved Is a Penny Urned”

  1. BWoP Says:

    My parents purchased their cemetary plots many years ago. They took me to visit the plots once, and their headstones were already there.

    Strange, indeed, but comforting in a way. It’s one less thing the family needs to think about during the grieving period.

  2. Darcy Says:

    My mom prepaid for her cremation. She also prepaid for the food at her wake, and the dumbass caterer kept bugging her for a date until she finally turned to him (he also ran the restaurant at her golf club, and we were there for lunch), looked him right in the eyes and said, “I don’t know, some time after I die.” She also pre-selected with my dad the music for her memorial service, and my dad even read her the eulogy he planned to read, which I think is actually kind of nice since she wouldn’t be there to hear it. She took a stab at writing her own obit, but we redid it. I *still* laugh when I remember my uncle saying, “She sure did a shitass job on that [obituary]!”

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