Fool Me Once

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009, 9:10 pm

April Fool’s Day is the great underachiever among our manufactured pseudoholidays. The idea, of course, is that you play some diabolical trick on some unsuspecting rube and as his world crashes down around him you shout “April Fools!!” And then everyone points and laughs as the victim falls to his knees and weeps tears of relief.

That’s the idea, but one that hardly ever works. Because everyone knows it’s April Fool’s Day, and so they’re en garde. Anything weird, coincidenty,or  flat-out loco that goes down is automatically looked at askance. Oh, I’m fired? Sure, let me go clean out my desk. You’re pregnant? Wow, didn’t see that coming, guess we should hit up Baby Gap during lunch. My car’s missing from the parking lot? Let’s rush outside and start waterboarding potential eyewitnesses. Yawn.

In a just world April Fool’s Day would’ve withered away by now and we wouldn’t be troubled by underbrained practical jokers who think wrapping everything on your desk in tinfoil is funny. There’s only one way I can see to save April Fool’s Day–make it April Fool’s Month. Give everyone a 30-day window to trick and spoof and mentally torture each other. Let’s face it, April is a pretty ehhh month–the weather is fairly inoffensive, there are no other holidays to worry about (don’t talk to me about Arbor Day, you pinko-commie-librul-treehuggin’ scum) and aside from the NHL and NBA playoffs there’s not much else going on (no one, in the world, cares about baseball in April).

There is one significant date in April–the 15th, tax day. And let’s face it, after a few all-nighters holding your head in your hands and rocking back and forth because you don’t know what the hell you’re supposed to do if the figure on Line 32A if it’s bigger than the figure on Line 17b, you’re ready to seriously mess with someone’s head. And since you can’t directly fuck with the government (they have lots of guns and they LOVE putting people in prison, for all sorts of reasons!) you might as well temporarily ruin the life of some innocent who lacks the wherewithal to retaliate.

We have a holiday to celebrate greed (Christmas), a holiday to celebrate gluttony (Thanksgiving), a holiday to celebrate wanton drunkeness (St. Patrick’s Day), a holiday to celebrate paganism/more gluttony (Halloween) and a holiday to celebrate lust (Valentine’s Day–yeah, sure, you spent all that money at Victoria’s Secret because you “love” her). We need a holiday that celebrates pointless cruelty–that really, properly celebrates it. None of this half-assed goofiness on April 1st. I’m talking some heartless, vicious shit here, the stuff of nightmares, horrors that scar the soul. You know, fun! And if it’s spread out over an entire month you have the opportunity for some serious escalation and one-upsmanship. It would get people thinking, plotting, scheming for months. It would be beautiful.

UPDATE: It was pointed out to me that, duh, Easter is a holiday and falls in April. Well, it does this year, but some years it falls in March, right? So Easter doesn’t count. These are my rules, you’re playing my game.

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5 Responses to “Fool Me Once”

  1. Brad Says:

    Good idea, sir. I only almost fell for three jokes today. Not sure how I let my guard down to almost get caught by the bottomless (but tops required) Imperial Palace pool.

    Oh, I may or may not have mentioned this before, but I lost my virginity on April Fools Day.

  2. Darcy Says:

    I think I liked it better when all your creative energy was going into couch shopping.

  3. Gene Says:

    The couch comes home today!! I’m cleaning the flat, reorganizing my living room, I’m being very domestic and nesty today.

  4. Joe Says:

    “there are no other holidays to worry about”

    Um, aren’t you forgetting Easter?

  5. Gene Says:

    Ahhh, spit. Yeah, Easter…but Easter doesn’t always fall in April!! Aha!!!

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