The Even Keel

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008, 7:49 pm

I wouldn’t say that I’m an especially competitive person. Then again, I wouldn’t say that I’m a morbidly obese person, yet that’s what my Wii Fit said when I hopped aboard the other day. The BMI index rose like a thermometer on Mercury and nearly hit the top of the scale. That’s when I grabbed the board and nearly threw it off the balcony.

Because, as it turns out, I am a competitive person. Right now I’m not playing in any volleyball leagues (it’s all pickup) and I miss that amped-up feeling you get before you play a game for keeps. We’d only play three games to fifteen, rally scoring, but even after that short a match I’d be weak-kneed because of all the nervous energy I’d burn off. And then at the bar, after we (inevitably) lost, I’d bitterly rehash in my mind all the times I didn’t get the ball and how that led to our defeat. Yes, I can be a snippy little bitch when I lose.

I’m in a fantasy football league with 15 other Pittsburgh bloggers. It’s a $20 league. It’s for fun. It gives us an excuse to get together a couple of times a year, have a few beers, and do some low-voltage trash talking. It’s good, clean, bloggy fun. So how to explain me screaming, SCREAMING, at the TV today when Derrick Mason slipped a comical tackle and waltzed in for a TD? Of course my opponent started Derrick Mason today. I started David Garrard over Aaron Rodgers today because Jacksonville was going up against Cinci and the Packers were playing in Tennessee. Plus Matthew Berry of ESPN rated Garrard ahead of Rodgers for today’s game. Of course Rodgers had a decent game while Garrard crapped the bed. As I followed the scores online I was positively seething. And don’t get me started on Justin Fargas. If there was a petition to deport Justin Fargas to the Moon I’d sign my name at the very top. In blood.

Thursday night I got home from volleyball and decided to play a little Wii Tennis. Of course we’d gone to the bar after we played and I’d had a few. Still, even against the highest-ranked players I figured I’d kick some ass and go to bed. It didn’t turn out that way, as I lost 3-1. At which point I let loose with a truly inspired stream of obsenities, a string of curses that still didn’t wipe the maddening smiles from my gloating Wii opponents. I played again…but I was matched against a different team. Of course that wouldn’t slake my thirst for revenge–I won that match and waited to be paired with the top team so I could mop the court up with them. No–again I was paired against a different duo. Beat them, and FINALLY I got my rematch. Which I nearly lost, because it was closing in on 3AM and I was at the end of my tether. I would’ve stayed up all night until I beat those damned Wii’s brains in.

Lately, when I go to bed, I play Chinese poker on my iPhone until I get drowsy. At one point I was up $14 on my “computer genius” opponent. And then I went on a 2-night losing streak that left me down $70. I’d like to point out that (a) I was playing against a telephone and (b) the money involved was not real. Still, I got so frustrated, and so exquisitely angry, that I toyed with the idea of throwing my phone against the wall. And then grabbing a hammer and smashing the pieces into much, much smaller pieces.

I should say that I only toyed with the idea. I never cocked my arm and took aim. I love my iPhone. Really. And I don’t consider myself a violent person. It’s just that occasionally I have the urge to beat the everlovin’ crap out of smiley computer-generated pixies and impersonal digital interfaces. Other than that my mental health is totally up to scratch. I’m thinking that I should focus on yoga the next time I bring out the Wii Fit.

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4 Responses to “The Even Keel”

  1. bastin Says:

    Get a ringtone that goes OOOOOOOHHHHHHHMMMMMM.

  2. Darcy Says:

    Yeah, I can’t play computer games of any kind because of this same sort of affliction you describe.

  3. Ace Squared » Blog Archive » People, Please Don’t Smash Your iPhone Because of my Silly Game! Says:

    […] comes this […]

  4. Wireless Says:

    This is the way things should be, get off what we are on now

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