Panic Trifecta

Saturday, June 25th, 2005, 11:45 pm

An easy, breezy day today. It’s like 95 degrees in the ‘Burgh so I saved my yardwork for the early evening. Took a late shower and went to Borders for Mocha Freeze and read Aces and Kings by Brad Reagan and Michael Kaplan. I didn’t read the whole thing in one sitting, mind you, just a few sections. Didn’t buy it, either, sorry guys. Good book, tho, I certainly recommend it. As I recommend The Professor, the Banker and the Suicide King by Michael Craig. That’s actually the book I planned on reading as I sipped my icy delight, but various bastards went and BOUGHT all the extant copies.

An enjoyable time, despite two morons intruding on my personal space by jawing loudly on their cell phones while I tried to read. I understand that Borders isn’t a library (though I obviously use it as one), but if you’re going to talk on your cell, at least have the decency to keep your voice at conversational levels. I had to endure a pretty blonde giggling as some guy made a booty call and some self-important jackass declaiming in detail about his displeasure at a co-worker’s recent conduct. Bitching about assholes and their cell phones is so cliche, but although it pisses so many people off there’s no socially acceptable response to those who use their phones in inappropriate places. My suggestion–a polite request to desist, and then hit them with the pepper spray.

So I’m driving home, and just before I turn onto the road leading up to my house a car coming the other way flies past me at, oh, 80 MPH. Two seconds later the interior of my car is flooded with flashing red and blue light. I hadn’t noticed that the motorcycle following me was a cop, and he hits his siren and the paranoia hits and I start imagining corpses in my trunk and shrink-wrapped kilos secreted in the upholstery. Of course the cop soon wheels ’round and sets of in pursuit of the aforementioned leadfoot, but as I turn onto Middle Road my heart’s still going pretty good.

And it goes even better when a friggin’ deer leaps out of the woods and crosses the road about 15 yards in front of me. I stand on the brakes and the idiot animal stands there and watches as 2000 pounds of metal hurtles toward her. I fishtail a bit but manage to stop about 3 feet short of making a big deery mess. She scampers off and I take yet another deep breath.

And then, about 10 goddam seconds later, there’s this flash of light to my left and all of a sudden there’s a popping noise above me and more light and more popping and I nearly jump out of my seat, a real trick when you’re driving a car. Assholes in the house I was about to pass were setting off a Roman candle pointed at the road. That’s cute. Pity that it’s illegal to own a 155mm howitzer, as I’d probably own one and would even now be programming grid coordinates to drop a few shells in their backyard. Just to keep the joke going.

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