Chat No More With Phil Hellmuth!

Thursday, May 12th, 2005, 12:55 pm

Wrote up a post and then forgot why I started one in the first place. ESPN had chats yesterday with Phil Gordon and Howard Lederer (both of whom talked of this and that and lightly pimped Full Tilt) and Mike Matusow (who talked of this and that but said he’d rather not talk about his recent incarceration) and in between came Phil Hellmuth. They even gave him 45 minutes instead of the half=hour they gave the other three, just so he’d be able to talk that much more with his legions of fans.

So the chat begins, and in Phil’s defense many of the questions are the usual pedestrian crap (what is your least favorite hand? what no-limit hold-em player do you fear most?). Who cares about that junk? I’d ask something like, “Will you be doing any more topless shots for ESPN this year?” or “After ESPN inexplicably broadcast you brushing your teeth in 2003, how have your most recent dental exams turned out?”.

Anyway, Phil answered the first few questions, then said that he was in the middle of getting dressed to go to the Mirage because he had a $2500 bet with Antonio Esfandiari about when the PPT event would start. Phil thought it’d start at 2PM, Antonio at noon. So we’re treated to Phil telling us that he’s getting dressed, that he’s walking toward the Mirage. And from then on, it’s basically all Phil just name-dropping and other nonsense. He tells us he’s signing autographs and getting pictures taken. Oh, James Woods wants to say he wants to start at noon. Andy Roddick is calling for him. Michael Jordan wants to play poker with him. He got mobbed by poker groupies.

The few questions that got through were mostly reactions to what Phil was saying (Is Andy Roddick going to your fantasy camp? Has there ever been a more professional name dropper than you?) and then he had to sit down and play. Now, I’m sure Phil is a busy guy, but if he can’t carve out 45 minutes to chat with his fans/detractors, then don’t schedule it. And people who don’t especially like Phil and his antics (like myself) shouldn’t sit there like idiots and read this goddam nonsense.

So I won’t read Phil’s next chat–unless events prove this blog has massive influence over the poker universe. Because I am asking that all those who like poker boycott Phil’s next chat session. Don’t send in questions. Let him wait in silence. If he wants to talk, let him shout into the Void. Let us learn the answer to the age-old question: If Phil Hellmuth is alone in the woods talking about himself, does he make a sound?

OK, enough about me being cranky. No, here’s more crankiness. I read, oh, 50 poker blogs a day, just let ’em ding my Bloglines page and I make a quick meal of each one. And, let me tell ya, before too long I’m gonna be GOOD and SICK of reading entries that end “…only 21 more days till Vegas!!!”.

Because I’m not going. And it’s KILLIN’ me. It’s like everyone around me is getting more and more excited about Christmas coming and I’m the only Zoroasterist in the class. I don’t mind living vicariously through yinz, but let me tell you, vicarious anticipation is a pain in the ass.

I promise you this–the next blogger conclave, I do think I’ll be able to attend, and I’m putting a clock on this blog counting it down by tenths of a second. Just to be a jerk.

One good thing coming up soon is the start of our beach volleyball league. I think the place where we play opens this Friday night, and I’ll probably stop by, have a beer, reaquaint myself with jumping in sand. My quads are trembling already. I’m pretty beat up from playing indoors 2 nights a week for the last 6 months, so I took a week off and I feel about 10 years younger. I really, REALLY need to lose 25 more pounds before the start of the next indoor season, so I can get through the day without gobbling Advil like Tic-Tacs.

And drinking beer. God, I can’t believe I actually used to exercise without drinking afterwards. Beer eases the aches, the pains, the psychic trauma of losing week after week. The biggest difference between playing indoor and beach, besides the playing surface, is that in our beach league we drink before, during, and after the games, while indoors we only drink afterwards. Which perhaps explains why I like playing in the sand three times as much.

Just a tidbit that I found shocking–Entertainment Weekly is reporting that it’s “unlikely” Chappelle’s Show will be back for it’s third season. Dave Chappelle apparently checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa back in April and has been there ever since. Uh huh. That doesn’t sound good. I think Comedy Central can’t feel too good about that $50 million contract they gave Dave after last season. Nor do I feel good about one of the few brilliant shows on TV fading away after just two seasons. Looks like I’m gonna have to start reading books again.

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13 Responses to “Chat No More With Phil Hellmuth!”

  1. Mourn Says:

    I’m with you man.

    It’s amazing the synchronicity of Poker Blogging sometimes. I just posted regarding my depression at missing Vegas and watching everyone else seeth with anticipation.

    We ought to go 1-2 in the Poker Stars $350k guaranteed that weekend and rub the ~100k in everyone’s faces when they get back.

  2. iggy Says:

    i still refuse to admit to myself that you ain’t going.

  3. TripJax Says:

    only 21 days til I also can’t go to Vegas…painful…but like you, i will be at the next one no matter what.

    for now, nothing like a 6 week old baby, an internal audit, and low dough to put me in my place…

    will someone hit me with a wiffle ball bat please.

  4. AlCantHang Says:

    I painfully sat through the horrible chat session. Someone even sent a question in asking if he was the biggest name dropper ever.

    About Vegas….

    If you happen to change your mind, there is room in the 2 bedroom suite Pauly and I have rented in lovely Downtown Las Vegas…..

  5. Stef Says:

    Too bad Phil didn’t also share some of his self-affirmation post-it notes he affixes to all the inanimate objects about his house. And if he’s in the woods by himself, he’s gonna have a lot more than just a wedgie to fetch out of his ass!

  6. Donkeypuncher Says:

    I feel the same way about Chappelle’s Show. My favorite skits:
    1. Prince vs Charlie Murphy
    2. Black Real World
    3. Blind Supremecist

  7. the wolf Says:

    That Hellmuth…what a jopke.

  8. JD Says:

    Lol on Phil. Ditto on 21 days til Vegas and Chappelle.

  9. BadBlood Says:

    Damn Mean Gene, I thought I’d be able to buy you a drink, 20 days from now.

  10. Deal'em Says:

    Chappelle is great…even funny in the only movie I ever saw him in. Talking about dating (paraphrased)…when I date a women, I just keep taking it to the next level…until finally, I reach a level where it becomes absolutely necessary that I LEAVE.

  11. CJ Says:

    Gene… whenever we get together we’ll have to not only play poker, but kick some ass on the volleyball court/sand!!!! I miss V-ball 🙁

  12. Drizztdj Says:

    Poker, volleyball, and drinking till you pass out.

    The triathalon of champions.

  13. G-Rob Says:


    15 days to Vegas!

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