I need your vote!

Monday, January 5th, 2004, 2:32 pm

Richard Nixon famously financed his first Congressional campaign with money he won playing poker. While in the Navy the future Tricky Dick saw his fellow officers playing poker and was astonished at how much money was changing hands. Gambling was verboten to a Quaker like himself, but already Nixon was showing the, ah, moral flexibilty that was to haunt him later in life. He learned to play, learned to play very well, and made a bundle. He put his poker winning to use, was elected, and the rest is history (or infamy, depending on how you look at it).

Why do I bring this up? Because, my fellow poker junkies, yesterday I announced that I am a candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America. I just turned 35, making me qualified for the job, and I think it’s my duty as a citizen to run for the highest office in the land. And I think it’s important that a poker player have the job. Think about it–who better to stare down the Kim Jong Ils and Osama bin Ladens of the world than a guy who has capped the betting after a check-raise on the river while holding nothing better than bottom pair–and WON?

And let’s face facts, the leading candidates out there wouldn’t exactly intimidate you at the table. George Bush would have a cheat-sheet that lists hand rankings, and you know he’d have Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove sweating him and clearing their throats and shaking their heads every time he reached for his chips. Howard Dean? Come on, the guy is one tough hand away from tilt. Say something like, “You know, I heard Vermont is just Canada without doughnuts”, or, “If Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys were around today, they’d be up before the UN War Crimes Tribunal”. And then sit back and wait for the steaming Governor Dean to raise you with 2-6 offsuit.

So vote for me, and I promise to bring a smart, honest, grinding attitude to the White House. Halliburton wants a multi-billion dollar contract in Iraq? Let them ante and play the game like everyone else. Some tinhorn dictator or terrorist threatens? I won’t fold the hand, I’m gonna be like Scotty Nguyen and go all-in, bay-bee! Come on, be honest–wouldn’t you like to see us nuke someone again? Just a little bomb, a few kilotons?

So vote for Mean Gene, and my first act as Prez will be the legalization of poker rooms in all 50 states. That’s how I plan to fund my re-election campaign–I get a taste of the rake, just a taste, enough to wet my beak. I’m sure I can get more cash that way than the GOP can raise shaking down businessmen and corporations.

Mean Gene in 2004! Come on, vote for me, or else you might be facing a Phil Hellmuth candidacy in 2008.

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