The Perfect Storm

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008, 3:26 pm

I lost my fantasy football title game last night by two points and I still have the dry heaves. So many things went wrong to cost me the title, and if any of them go my way, I win. They didn’t, so I lost.

Marques Colston finished with 99 yards receiving. If he gets one more yard, I win.

If Calvin Johnson’s long TD catch isn’t called back for illegal formation, I win.

If John Kasay hits that long FG at the end of regulation to beat the Giants, Brandon Jacobs doesn’t get that third TD in overtime. Knew that was gonna hurt me.

Though not as bad as my decision to start DeSean Jackson over Torry Holt. Holt had a mighty 5.50 points in my league–three more than Jackson’s 2.50. Still, my choice would’ve panned out had Jackson not DROPPED two McNabb bombs in the fourth quarter, one of which would’ve been a touchdown. The ass showboats all over the place and whines when he doesn’t get the ball, and when he DOES get the ball he lets it clank off his mitts. Quoting Silky Johnson, I hate you, DeSean Jackson, I hope all the bad things in the world happen to you and you alone.

Still, for all that, I had a chance to take it down. All Mason Crosby had to do was boot home a 38-yard figgie. Sure, it was cold out, but he plays in Green Bay. He went to school at Colorado. He’s used to kicking in bad weather. He makes it, I win. Of course he sculls the kick into the line and I let loose an astonishing stream of obscenities. I didn’t let the fact that I was in a crowded bar cramp my style.

And then the Bears win the toss and march down the field and Penn Stater Robbie Gould does what Crosby wasn’t able to manage–his goddam job. He boots the ball through the uprights and I lose. Crosby’s missed FG cost me $140. The eighty bucks I won taste like ashes in my mouth.

I did get one piece of good news this morning–US Airways gave me a $100 voucher for my next flight, as compensation for my Vegas flight getting diverted to Chicago. I’m half tempted to book a flight to Green Bay and go over to Mason Crosby’s house and give him a piece of my mind.

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2 Responses to “The Perfect Storm”

  1. Benny Distefano Says:

    You should get drunk on wine coolers, sneak into Mason’s two bedroom apartment, and rape him while he sleeps.

  2. Boris Says:

    I have been reading your articles for a while now and just wanted to wish you a Happy new Year…so HAPPY NEW YEAR

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