Oh, THAT’S Why It’s Called Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Friday, May 23rd, 2008, 12:32 am

Went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (whew) tonight and the best part of the experience was the preview for Get Smart. I would happily sit in a theater for two hours watching Anne Hathaway dig a latrine. But tonight’s feature? It was, well, kinda awful, in an occasionally stirring sort of way. The plot made absolutely no sense. There were gaps in logic wide enough to hold the Pacific Ocean. And some of the chase scenes are flat-out stupid. Following up on her portrayal of Bob Dylan in I’m Not There Cate Blanchett plays a Soviet transvestite. I think she’s a transvestite. That’s the only thing that makes sense…especially the one sight gag that was probably the funniest joke in the flick. It involves the sword her character incongruously wears throughout the film, an affectation that made the asinine ending of The Departed seem a model of symbolic subtley.

Harrison Ford looked older, which is fine because he IS older. As we all are. He also looked a bit tired, not so much when he was trading punches with a litany of Russkies but just about every time he had to recite some of that banal dialogue. Bringing Karen Allen back was a nice way to close the narrative circle, except that Allen’s acting is, at times, appallingly bad. When you’re watching full-on digital mayhem projected on a 30-foot screen and all you can think is, "Why does Karen Allen have that idiotic smile on her face??" you’ve got problems.

I think the problems started with the title, which, for want of a better word, sucks. I know the whole Raiders franchise is meant to bring back the mystery and romance of those old-time serials with a cliffhanger at the end of every episode, but even the most craven pulp fiction hack would walk up to Mr. Spielberg and say, "The title? It SUCKS."

There was a poster in the lobby for the new James Bond flick, which comes out in November. It’s pretty awesome:

The title of the film is Quantum of Solace, which doesn’t appear too awesome at first blush. But it does combine two rather cool words, "quantum" and "solace", and I’m willing to give those folks the benefit of the doubt. Transplant James Bond into the plot of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and he would’ve had the whole thing wrapped up in about 15 minutes. Higher body count, tho.

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One Response to “Oh, THAT’S Why It’s Called Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!”

  1. Matt Says:

    Couldn’t agree more.

    I was actually enjoying the flick, however mindnubbing it was, up until the Tarzan scene. After that, the movie goes becomes one of the worst disasters I’ve ever seen and never recovers.

    I really wish George Lucas would stop ruining his franchise. Maybe he should do a THX1038 remake. God knows that can only be improved…

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