The Big Kahuna

Monday, August 13th, 2007, 7:37 pm

So I arrive at the lake Saturday afternoon and I get a grand reception. "Geno’s here!" they all said, genuinely thrilled to see me. Yeah, I was suspicious too. Turns out that the gang had spent six hours out on the water trying out a new toy Scott and Debbie brought up, a wake-surfboard. Instead of spending ten exhausting minutes squeezing your feet into bindings that cut off the circulation, you just rest your feet on the surfboard and stand up as usual.

The reason everyone was glad to see me is that riding the board is more fun when the wake is bigger. And the best way to make the wake bigger? Put a lot of weight on one side of the boat! So instead of being happy to see me because of my wit or style or even my poker chips, they were happy to see me because of my…mass. Well, I guess it’s nice to be appreciated for something.

So we went back on the boat and I did what I apparently do best–sit on my ass. Debbie took the first ride, enjoying the higher rooster-tail thrown up thanks to my density, and then it was my turn. I can’t say I was all that gung-ho to give it a try. It took me forever and a day to learn how to get up on the wakeboard (which is absurdly easy) and I figured trying to stand up without binding would take me until, oh, 2009. But turns out it was a piece of cake. Oh sure, it felt like my arms might dislocate at the elbow as my fat ass was slowly pulled out of the drink, but I got up on the first try. And actually had some fun:

Notice the determined look on my face. Please do not notice the rest of what could comically be called my "physique".

I actually got some hilarious pictures of my friends in various embarassing poses, but I think I’ll hold off on posting them. There are too many easy opportunities for revenge when you’re getting pulled by a 385-horsepower boat.

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